November 17, 2013 by alunparry
How To Get What You Really Need
Boundaries have never been my strong point.
I’ve always been too fearful of hurting others, or too worried of being judged to stand up for what I really want.
Sometimes the consequences are fairly trivial, such as staying in a conversation too long.
Sometimes they are far less trivial, like ceasing to exist inside a relationship. Or even entering a relationship out of politeness!
It is a big step to become aware of what my needs are, and be bold enough and self-respecting enough to make them happen.
The fear of hurting others or being judged remain. But I’ve found that people are typically not bothered anywhere near as much as I worry. People get that I need to do what I need to do.
As for those who judge, this is no bad thing. Who wants to be around people who attack you for getting your needs met? Not me, that’s for sure.
Getting our needs met is important. We can do without people who actively stand in our way.
By being true to who I am, I find that it acts as a repellent to some and a magnet to others. I end up surrounded by the people I’m meant to be surrounded by. The ones who care and love me for who I really am.
Happiness isn’t possible without being in touch with what we need and want.
I’m on a learning curve and I’m not hugely skilled at it still, but I’m training myself to keep asking a simple question:
“What do I need or want in this situation?”
Then I use my courage to make it happen.
Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes my fears get the better of me and I ignore what I really need to happen. Sometimes others say no. After all, they have needs too and sometimes their needs will clash with mine.
That’s okay. It’s all part of the process.
Have a try yourself. Whenever you feel your tummy tighten, ask “What do I need or want in this situation?”
Then act upon the answer. Good luck!
Chrystine Moon - November 17, 2013 @ 5:31 pm
This is great Alun. I really like your honesty, humility and courage. : )
Jennifer John - November 17, 2013 @ 6:59 pm
Self consideration and love are essential for us to live the fun filled, joyous, easy, truthful, delicious lives we are here to live without apology. We are on the same trajectory Alan. Thank you for sharing. X
alunparry - November 17, 2013 @ 11:58 pm
Chrystine, thanks so much. Jennifer, thanks so much too. I love both of your comments. For some reason, maybe the more personal nature of the post, it’s meant a lot to read each of your feedback as I log on tonight. Hugs to you x
Tony - November 20, 2013 @ 10:03 am
Thanks Alan , that’s helped re focus me at a difficult time
Sandy - November 20, 2013 @ 10:35 am
I agree with you about how fearful and timid people can be. Getting what you need might be more than you bargained for! There are lots of jokes around the theme of the three wishes. I think it’s important to distinguish between wants and needs. Needs are essential; wants are not and are often just a manifestation of greed.
alunparry - November 20, 2013 @ 11:55 am
Hi Tony, I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time at the moment. I hope things feel better for you soon and I’m glad this has helped. Hugs x
alunparry - November 20, 2013 @ 12:00 pm
Hi Sandy, lovely to hear from you. That reminds me of the monkey’s paw on The Simpsons. If you’re a Simpsons fan you’ll know what I mean :)
I think people who self limit tend to limit themselves to only the basics, the essentials. For me, part of my own growth has been to permit myself the things I want as well as the things I need. That’s where dreams are made, and a world of people chasing their dreams feels exciting to me. Hugs x